Oat milk from our dairy-free cows

Following on from our work with Minor Figures, FreshGround is excited to announce the next step of our alternate milk enterprise – dairy-free cows!

Collaborating closely with the oat farmers of Norfolk, we have invested in a herd of 34 Friesian cattle to graze in meadows around the Tas Valley area. And, thanks to the latest innovations in science, veterinary massage therapy, and botany, have made them completely compatible with the vegan lifestyle!

By gently rubbing chlorophyll directly into the black spots of a Friesian cow over several weeks, the animal will gradually retain enough to become photosynthetic. This allows the skin to absorb sunlight, which is then converted into the nutrients a cow needs to thrive. Not only is this beneficial for the cows, but it also allows us to legally define the herd as a creeping shrub.

Now that no animals are involved in the process, we can get on with creating our new vegan oat milk product! The next step is to allow the plants to graze on oats, herding the dense shrubbery between fields to ensure a sustainable pattern of harvest and regrowth.

Approximately one hour after an extended feed, it is necessary to escort the cows to the massage station, where the flora is then uprooted and laid on its back, ensuring its hind legs are elevated. A specialist team of masseuses will then get to work, gently rubbing the belly area to stimulate the digested oats to move up towards the head of the cow.

To distance ourselves from the traditional dairy industry as far as possible, we do not use the plant’s udders to produce and dispense the milk. Instead we use a process called lacrimal lactation, where the tear ducts act as a filtration and dilution channel. With the correct stimulation, a fully matured and well-fed shrub can weep approximately 13 gallons of raw oat milk in the space of 45 minutes.

We’re still researching the best methods to ensure a constant flow of oat milk tears. A stubbed toe provides a very short but intense delivery, but so far we’ve had the most success from sustained light tickling. We did try invoking calf-hood memories in each plant using a VR headset, but this made the collection of oat milk difficult.

Plant-based cow milk will be available from the end of September, for approximately £17 per litre. We hope to automate the process from next year to help bring the cost down, but this will involve training the cows to attend a purpose built spa and relaxation centre. Look out for our GoFundMe campaign coming soon!